Do you see the heavy-lidded eyes in the image above, the ones framed by creases and puffiness that weren’t there a year ago? They’re mine, and they’re being tortured by seeing 2020 and all that’s wrong with this “dilemma-a-day” excuse for a year. On top of events in 2020 such as the COVID-19 pandemic, wildfires, floods, landslides, plane crashes, mass shootings, political upheaval, UFO swarms, and social unrest, we now have NASA trying to add its name to the “What Went Wrong in 2020 List.” NASA’s Perseverance rover is heading to Mars with the intent of finding and collecting soil samples thought to contain evidence of past or present life for a later trip back to Earth. If the space agency accomplishes this mission, then it will be one of the greatest feats of space exploration to date. However, I do have a few questions to ask NASA, questions such as:
WHAT THE HELL IS WRONG WITH YOU PEOPLE?!?!
WHY DO THAT?!?!
AND WHY DO THAT IN THIS #$@&%*! YEAR?!?!
This is like a bad science fiction movie, folks. In film, it never goes well when scientists and explorers try to bring alien life to Earth for study. Never. How bad could it get thanks to NASA’s actions here in the daily trainwreck that is 2020? Let’s review several horror movies (appropriately shown in a blood-red font) and see what Hollywood has to say about the subject…
|Film||Year||What the Hell Happened|
|The Thing from Another World||1953||An alien ship crashes on Earth, but its occupant survives. The alien runs amok even as a scientist tries to keep it from harm. What a genius! Lotsa people die.|
|20 Million Miles to Earth||1957||An American spaceship returns from Venus with a strange mass aboard. Exposure to the alien substance kills people. The mass turns into a giant creature that rampages through Italy. Say it with me: Lotsa people die.|
|Queen of Blood||1966||A spaceship from Earth seeks to reach the wreckage of an alien vessel to rescue the first ambassador from another world. Surprise, the ambassador is a killer alien queen! Lotsa people die.|
|Alien||1978||A spaceship from Earth sent in search of alien life descends on another world and its crew encounters a clutch of alien eggs. One egg hatches and a bouncing baby alien gets aboard the ship. Despite its initial shyness and a tendency to drool uncontrollably, it grows up healthy and strong. Lotsa people die.|
|The Thing||1982||An alien ship crashes on Earth, but its occupant survives. The people who discovered the alien are all found dead. The alien is set on fire and believed dead, then brought to another outpost. Could the alien be…a killer? Why, yes! Lotsa people die.|
|The Thing||2011||An alien ship crashes on Earth, but its occupant survives. The alien rampages through a scientific outpost. Cue the blood and mayhem! Lotsa people die.|
|Life||2017||This will sound familiar. A probe returns to Earth’s proximity with soil samples from Mars. Dormant alien life is found in the samples. It wakes up with a serious attitude problem. Lotsa people die.|
See? Hollywood agrees!
Even though the samples from Mars aren’t due back until 2031 or later, the mission was launched this year. Accordingly, it’ll be this year’s fault if something goes horribly wrong because this is the #$@&%*! year when fecal matter hit the fan almost every day and in almost every way possible!
Despite NASA’s technological expertise, Hollywood says we’re doomed. D-O-O-M-E-D. And since this is 2020, cruel fiction has an unprecedented chance of becoming even crueler reality. That means we have just three options if we don’t want to avoid becoming alien chow in a few years:
- Cancel the mission; or
- Cancel the rest of 2020 by retroactively making the date the spacecraft lifted off January 1, 2021; or
- Cancel the mission and the rest of 2020 because nobody’s going to miss either of them!
Oh, third choice, how I do love thee. Welcome to 2021, everyone!
Shove it, 2020!
All the best,